


i've never been this scared before, feelings i just can't ignore

by naturepen



Series: you call the shots babe, i just wanna be yours [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, kunten is only mentioned, mentions of dec 18, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29425134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturepen/pseuds/naturepen
Summary: “Yuta it’s fine.” Jaehyun strains. “I get it if it was just a one time thing.”“No it’s not that, I really do need more time to think. I had a plan about my future and your confession kind of ruined it.” He jokes, hoping to ease some of the tension in the room.“Sorry.” Jaehyun mumbles.“No don’t be, I’m glad you told me.” He says in a rush. “I don’t regret the sex at all. And if we do this, I would definitely want it to be more than sex. I just need to figure out my feelings for you.”Yuta cringes to himself. God this is so awkward, and he hopes he didn’t hurt Jaehyun with that last comment, but Yuta needs to make sure what happened wasn’t just lust and loneliness. Jaehyun deserves better than that.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Series: you call the shots babe, i just wanna be yours [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2127318
Comments: 5
Kudos: 62





	i've never been this scared before, feelings i just can't ignore

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, so this is the second part with Yuta's point of view. As another warning, this fic does slightly mention December 18th, Jonghyun was (and still is) my first ult, and I thought it fit well with the fic. If you are uncomfortable with that, please feel free not to read the fic. Again, I tried to make this as realistic as possible, but I'm also a sucker for happy endings. The next chapter will have some light angst, but there will definitely be a happy ending.

Ten cradles Louis in his arms. “So let me get this straight.” He grabs a small toy and drops it on the cat’s stomach before turning back to Yuta. “You had sex with Jaehyun?” 

Yuta winces, forgetting to pet Leon for a second before the feline emits an exasperated meow. “I mean, it wasn’t like, anal sex or anything. He gave me a blowjob and I returned the favor with a handjob.” 

Ten bursts out into laughter, he’s shaking so hard that Louis jumps out of his lap and heads somewhere else to entertain himself, Leon following him seconds later. “Didn’t you just list him as the member you’d like to have as a real life brother? You don’t let your brother give you a blowjob.” 

Yuta groans, throwing a pillow at Ten as his laughter only gets louder. “Honestly I thought Jaehyun was straight.” 

“Ten!” Yuta whines. “Can you be serious for one second?” 

Ten’s laughter dies down, though small giggles continue to escape his mouth every once in a while. “Okay fine, ruin my fun. So tell me then, how did avoiding him for a week end up with you two having sex?” 

Yuta bites his lower lip. “I don’t know, he was saying sorry and then all of a sudden, he kissed me. And I let it go on because it was the first time in a while I felt something other than sad, I guess.” 

“You know that’s not a healthy coping mechanism right?” Ten asks. 

“Yes Ten, I know.” Yuta grits out. 

Ten shrugs and heads to the kitchen, signaling Yuta to follow. “Just making sure you do.” He says while hunting through his fridge. 

Ten brings out two bottled pressed juices and shoves them in front of Yuta’s face, mango or green juice. Yuta grabs the mango and both of them sit down at the table. “So what are you going to do? Jaehyun basically offered himself to you on a platter.” 

Yuta fiddles with the bottle in his hands. What could he do? “I don’t know. This isn’t something I prepared for. This is something I didn’t even think was in the realm of possibility. I had a plan to get out of here that didn’t account for my bandmate possibly becoming my boyfriend.” 

“You know, he has a point.” Ten takes a sip of his juice. “A lawsuit with SM is going to be crazy.” 

Yuta's aware of this, it’s nothing he’s never heard before. “If they take me out of 127, what was the point of the last five years? But even if they let me stay, why should I be okay with the bare minimum?” 

Ten smiles sadly at him. “Believe me, I know how much it sucks to re-debut, but come on Yuta, you’re a TVXQ fan, you’ve seen what happened to the three that left. They can barely even promote in Korea anymore, and yeah you might be able to go back to Japan, but SM has their evil little claws in that industry now too.” 

“Who says I have to continue to be an idol?” Yuta retorts, finally screwing the cap off of his juice and taking a long swig. 

Ten raises an eyebrow at him. “Oh? Then what exactly are you planning on doing?” 

“Maybe I’ll go into anthropology.” It’s not like he hasn’t thought about going back to school, studying a subject he’s interested in, and finding a simple nine to five job, one that wouldn’t lead to constant disappointment. 

“You could do that.” Ten purses his lips. “Look I’m not saying you don’t have reasons to leave, you definitely do, but maybe it could wait a few years when your contract is over. It’s not all bad, re-debuting, if it comes to that.”

Despite being stuck in a limbo due to an injury and the company's incompetence, Ten’s found another family in WayV consisting of rowdy boys and three animals. He’s found Kun. The black to his white, the ying to his yang. “Thanks Ten, but I don’t think I’m going to meet the love of my life in NCT Japan like you did.”

He had scoured the internet for hours reading people’s reactions to every possible outcome. If he’s pulled out for a new Japanese unit, it’s possible he’ll get more lines and screen time, but it would mean leaving a group he poured his heart into for five years. Or SM could completely ignore him in favor of the younger members he was paired with, after all, younger is always better when it comes to the entertainment industry. If there was a new Japanese unit and he wasn’t added in, it would feel like an insult. He wouldn’t get to be in a group dedicated to his own country. And if there’s no Japanese unit, he would spend more years getting nothing from 127. 

“Don’t call Kun the love of my life.” Ten almost chokes on his juice and turns bright red. “Besides, maybe Jaehyun is the love of your life, have you ever thought of that?” Ten continuously pokes him hard on the chest with his pointer finger. Jabbing during each syllable to add emphasis. 

He stops, taking another sip of his juice before continuing. “I’m not saying you have to say yes to him, but maybe think about giving him a chance. You deserve good things Yuta.” 

Ten ruffles his hair. Yuta swats his hand away causing Ten to laugh again. “Besides if you two get together maybe we could have double dates.” 

The image of him and Jaehyun going on a date seems absurd to him, much less a double date with Kun and Ten. 

“Imagine if we told ourselves as trainees that we’d be discussing lawsuits over pressed juice.” Yuta’s voice cracks. Exhaustion sets deep into his bones, a semi-permanent fixture that’s been there for months, maybe years if he was being honest. 

Ten pulls him into a crushing hug. “Whatever you decide to do, I’m always going to be here for you Yuta.”

* * *

Yuta walks into the apartment and is greeted with the smell of steaming rice. He peeks into the kitchen and sees Jaehyun cooking. Yuta could easily bypass him and make a beeline for his room. They haven’t talked since Yuta told him he needed to think, but he feels like he owes Jaehyun somewhat of an explanation, so he clears his throat. “Hi.” 

Jaehyun turns around, he licks over his lips once and it takes Yuta back to the moment before they had their first kiss. “Hey.” 

“So, about what happened the other day-” He’s interrupted before he can say anything else. 

“Yuta it’s fine.” Jaehyun strains. “I get it if it was just a one time thing.”

“No it’s not that, I really do need more time to think. I had a plan about my future and your confession kind of ruined it.” He jokes, hoping to ease some of the tension in the room. 

“Sorry.” Jaehyun mumbles. 

“No don’t be, I’m glad you told me.” He says in a rush. “I don’t regret the sex at all. And if we do this, I would definitely want it to be more than sex. I just need to figure out my feelings for you.” 

Yuta cringes to himself. God this is so awkward, and he hopes he didn’t hurt Jaehyun with that last comment, but Yuta needs to make sure what happened wasn’t just lust and loneliness. Jaehyun deserves better than that. 

Jaehyun flashes him an uneasy smile. “Take your time. I’ve waited for years to confess, I guess I could wait a little more for your answer.” 

Yuta forces a smile back. “Jaehyun, I want you to know that whatever I decide about us has nothing to do with my contract.” 

“Okay.” Jaehyun drawls out slowly. “Speaking of your contract, I owe you a complete apology. So here it is. I’m sorry for calling you a coward, you’re one of the bravest people I know, and I didn’t mean it.” 

“Jaehyun-” He starts. 

Jaehyun lets out a rough laugh. “I know you’re going to say it’s okay, but it’s really not, so could you at least let me finish apologizing?” 

His eyes seem even darker than usual, making Yuta’s knees feel weak. He nods slightly, directing Jaehyun to continue. 

Jaehyun walks over to him and places one hand on his cheek. Yuta leans into the touch. “You were right. I don’t understand and I probably never will. Our experiences under SM will always be different.” 

Yuta shuts his eyes, too overwhelmed by Jaehyun’s intense stare. “I’m sorry for acting like your frustrations weren’t valid and only thinking about myself. You deserve to do whatever makes you happy, even if that’s leaving.” 

Jaehyun starts stroking his cheek, and a tingle of excitement travels up Yuta’s spine. He sighs at the contact. “I’m sorry for all of it, I’ll never stop being sorry. But I want to be with you no matter what, whether you file that lawsuit or not.” 

Yuta’s eyes snap back open. “If we’re together and SM somehow finds out, then they could deny you so many opportunities. Not to mention the rampant homophobia in Korea. You can’t just give up your career for me.”

Jaehyun drops his hand from Yuta’s cheek. Yuta misses his warmth already. “I know what they could do, but I mean it, I want to at least try with you, even if you leave 127 for NCT Japan or leave SM completely.” 

Yuta doesn’t know what to say. Jaehyun, the most popular of them in Korea, deciding to possibly give up his career for him just seems wrong. Yuta won’t let him do that, even if he reciprocates his feelings. 

“That is, if you’ll have me.” Jaehyun’s sincerity-laced voice interrupts his thoughts. Yuta decides they can talk about it another time. He needs to figure things out first before they can even think about dating in secret. 

He throws his arms around Jaehyun and plants a kiss on his cheek. Lingering for a moment before moving away. Jaehyun's hands find their way to Yuta’s hips. He can see the blush creeping up on his ears and grins. “Apology accepted.”

* * *

Sweat drips down his face as the music blares in the practice room. All the other members were long gone, but Yuta forced himself to stay longer. Their Japanese comeback was coming up soon, and he needed to make sure he was perfect, especially if Taeyong wasn’t back in shape by the time they had to perform. Yuta would be covering his dance parts, though a part of him knew it didn’t really matter, fans would say he would never measure up no matter how hard he worked. 

As he’s in the middle of a spin, he trips seemingly over air and falls down on the floor. Yuta cries out in frustration. He stays down on the floor, breathing heavy. Nothing was working out in his favor, what was the point anymore?

“Yuta-shi.” He hears an unfamiliar voice call. Yuta counts to three and then lifts his body up. Standing in the doorway is Choi Minho. They were never close, but he had always been nice to Yuta, bonding with him over their shared interest in soccer. 

“Minho hyung.” He says in surprise. “Welcome back, you were just discharged from the military right?” 

Minho comes into the room, looking around with a soft, fond smile, then he looks at Yuta. “Yes, I’m getting back to work now. Learning to be an idol again is an interesting experience. But enough about me, how are you doing? It looks like you’ve been practicing hard.”

Yuta wasn’t expecting anyone, especially not a company senior he hasn’t spoken to in two years, albeit a friendly one, to come in while he was in the middle of a dance practice meltdown. Yuta lets out a shaky laugh. “Yeah, I just can’t get this one part right.” 

Minho nods. “We all have those days.” 

Yuta nods back. “Yes we do.” Yuta could tell this conversation wasn’t going anywhere and he desperately needed to escape the practice room.

He begins to walk past Minho. “Well, I should go back to the dorm. It was nice seeing you.” 

Minho places one firm hand on Yuta’s chest, pushing him back so that he would face him. “Yuta, you know, it’s okay to not be fine.” 

Yuta doesn’t understand. How could Minho think he wasn’t fine after seeing him for a total of five seconds? Was he really that obvious? 

“I know that.” Yuta says under his breath. 

Minho drops his hand from Yuta’s chest. “You don’t have to lie to me Yuta.”

He’s partially right. Yuta’s been less than fine for a while. So much so that some fans have begun to pick up on it, some even saying that working as an idol was sucking the life out of him, that he was completely different from his days as a rookie. 

“I really appreciate your concern Minho hyung, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle.” He tries to walk past Minho again but the older man grabs his elbow. 

“You know Yuta, I learned too late that it’s important to talk to someone about the changes you see in them, no matter how small they are. You’re very different from the person I saw two years ago.” Minho says gently. 

Yuta gets the feeling that he’s referring to what happened to his bandmate Jonghyun. A tragedy that shook up not only SHINee, not only SM Entertainment, but the industry as a whole. Yuta was never particularly close with him, only knowing him as the hyung who recommended Hansol to the company, but he was always kind, often buying the two younger boys snacks. 

Remembering those moments brings him back to a better time. A time when his first friend was still here, and they still talked outside of too-short text messages. Yuta shakes his head. “I’m not going to hurt myself.” 

Minho loosens the hold he has on Yuta’s elbow, but still doesn’t let go. “I’m glad to hear that, but even then, it’s good to get help. Talking to a professional can put everything into a better perspective.” 

It’s not like Yuta had never considered getting help. He has, but like everything else in his life, he wonders where he’d find the time for it with his grueling schedule. He always thought help could wait until he was out of the company. “I don’t know if I can.” 

“It can be hard, but going to regular counseling has really helped deal with a lot.” Minho let's go of him. He grabs a piece of paper and pen from his bag, scribbling something down. 

“Here.” He says as he shoves the paper into Yuta’s hand. “Jonghyun’s family runs the Shiny Foundation, they have contact with therapists that are good, therapists that really understand. This is their number.” 

Yuta stares at the paper at his hand. What good would it be to call them? Did he really need to waste a professional’s time? Minho breaks the too-long silence. “I’m not asking you to commit to it, but just consider it.” 

* * *

Yuta’s leg bounces up and down while he sits on an uncomfortable couch. The therapist sits down across from him. “Welcome, can you tell me about why you’re here today?” 

Yuta plays with his hands. Why exactly was he here? “You were recommended by a friend.” 

The therapist jots something down on her notepad. “Why did your friend recommend that you come to counseling?” 

Yuta doesn’t have an answer for that. Minho hyung didn’t know the extent to what Yuta was feeling, only that he was less cheery than he was two years ago. “He saw that I was unhappy.” 

“Do you think there’s a reason why you feel unhappy?” she asks. 

“I feel like a failure.” He manages to get out. Tears start springing to Yuta’s eyes. God why was he so emotional.

“Could you elaborate on that?” She says in the gentlest tone. “I can’t help unless I know more details.” 

Yuta takes one deep breath. “I left my country, my family, my friends, all to have a shot at being an idol in Korea. And nothing went the way I thought it would. I’m ignored and treated like an afterthought, which makes some fans say I have no talent, and maybe they’re right.” 

The therapist grabs a tissue box and hands it to Yuta. He lets out a watery laugh before grabbing a tissue. “I just don't see the point in staying with my company anymore. So, I was thinking about ending my contract early. But doing that is basically career suicide.” 

The therapist continues to take notes. “It sounds like this has been bothering you for a while, and I think it’s really brave of you to take the first step in getting help.” 

Brave. What a joke. Yuta feels anything but brave as he cries on a stranger’s couch. Jaehyun was right, he was a coward. “I’m not.” 

“No Yuta, you are.” She says solemnly. 

“If I was brave I would either stick it out or have the courage to file a lawsuit.” He sniffles. 

“Well what reasons do you have to stay?” She asks in genuine interest. 

“I like performing, even if I don’t get the most lines. I love my friends. And there’s this person that recently confessed to me.” Yuta explains. “But I don’t know if I like them in a romantic way too.” 

“Do you want to know what I think, in my professional opinion?” She says. 

Yuta wipes some tears away with a new tissue and nods. 

“I think, at least for now, you are not mentally healthy enough to handle a lawsuit with your company. Given your symptoms I think you do meet the criteria for a depressive disorder and something as stressful as that would only exacerbate your symptoms.” 

“A depressive disorder?” Yuta whispers. 

“Yes, but you shouldn’t feel worried about this. It’s very common that people experience at least one form of depression in their lives. With proper treatment and care, you’ll be able to recover in no time.” She clarifies. 

Yuta soaks the information in. She made sense. He could barely go a day without crying sometimes, how was he supposed to face one of the most ruthless companies in court? 

“Now you don’t have to take my advice, but I would put a pause in your plans about the lawsuit, and focus on increasing your self-esteem through therapy.” She starts. “Once you’re better mentally, you could always look at your options again about leaving your company, but I fear that if you push yourself now, it’ll only end up hurting you even more.” 

Yuta nods. Half-numb to her words. “What about my friend that confessed? What do I do?” 

The therapist smiles. “Romance won’t make you completely happy, no one can do that but yourself, but they can bring some joy to your life, if you like them too. And don’t you deserve joy?”

* * *

It’s been about six weeks since his first counseling session, and since then he’s had one-hour crying sessions every week with his new doctor. He feels better, not as optimistic as he was years ago as a 16 year old moving to a different country, but aware of his current situation. 

He’s somewhat accepted that his place in the industry is temporary at this point. There’s no way he can do all he wants as someone with such little opportunity. But everyone else around him was right, a lawsuit would result in more turmoil than he could handle, so he’s decided to put a pause on that, at least for now. 

Still, despite this, he’s working on better coping mechanisms; he’s eating more, spending more time with his friends, and singing for enjoyment when he gets the chance, sending short covers to his fans through Bubble and seeing their compliments always puts him in a better mood. It makes him feel like even though SM doesn’t support him, maybe he has other people that do, and will continue to do so in the future. 

But there’s one thing that Yuta hasn’t figured out yet: Jaehyun. For the past six weeks they haven’t been avoiding each other per say, he’s just been so busy, barely having time to talk to Yuta. 

Yuta’s been thinking a lot about Jaehyun, even without getting the chance to see him for more than a minute. He misses him. He misses making him laugh, having coffee with him in the afternoon, watching movies with him until late hours in the night. Yuta had never been aware of Jaehyun’s subtle, but constant presence in his life until he started hyper-analyzing their relationship. 

It’s different with Jaehyun than it is with the other younger members of the group. He’s always doted on Sicheng and Mark, especially because they’re both from a different country and Yuta knew that feeling all two well. He showed them so much affection that the company picked up on it, egged it on, and assigned it as one of his few one-dimensional personality traits. With Jungwoo, he felt like he needed to be there for him on his hiatus because he no one deserves to lose their confidence like he did.

Jaehyun’s different, he’s never needed to take care of Jaehyun. If anything, for all these years, Jaehyun’s been the one taking care of Yuta. A guiding hand on his back, making sure to feed him whenever he can, sharing an umbrella. Memories of all these moments replaying in his head make his heart constrict, something he’s never felt before with any of the other members. 

He feels good thinking about Jaehyun, thinking about who they are together, thinking about what they could be, but his only real relationship was a highschool girlfriend before he left Japan for his dream. Other than that, he’s stuck to mostly one night stands to release some tension. And as far as he’s aware, Jaehyun’s never been in a real relationship. Yuta used to think it was because Jaehyun was just so focused on his career, but maybe it was because of his silent feelings for him. 

There are so many reasons why they shouldn’t even be thinking of having a romantic relationship together, after all, neither were sure Yuta would still be in the group in a year's time, both were men in an unaccepting country, and Jaehyun’s own career could be put in danger because of Yuta’s choices. But despite all the reasons he had to say no, Yuta wants to say yes.

* * *

Yuta swings the door to Jaehyun’s room wide open. It hits the wall causing a thundering noise and scaring Jungwoo. 

“Yuta! Do you have to make such a grand entrance?” Jungwoo wails in a high pitched voice. 

“I need to talk to Jaehyun alone.” Yuta’s voice sounds rough, foreign to his own ears. 

Jungwoo takes a look at Yuta, then at Jaehyun. Jaehyun who’s sitting on this bed with a book in his lap. His glasses on, his skin rubbed red after getting rid of his makeup. Yuta feels lightheaded. He’s so beautiful. 

“Fine.” Jungwoo grumbles. “I better not hear you two throwing punches or else I’m calling the manager.” 

Jungwoo grabs his laptop and walks out the room, closing the door behind him. 

Yuta looks at Jaehyun. He’s sitting on his bed nervously playing with the edge of his blanket, his book now on the bedside table. Yuta calmly makes his way to the bed, he kneels down and intertwines Jaehyun’s hands with his own. 

“Ask me.” Yuta says. 

Jaehyun turns to look at him and squints his eyes in confusion. “What?” 

Yuta lets out a breathy laugh. “I think I’m done thinking.” 

He can see the small smirk make his way to Jaehyun’s face, his eyes beginning to sparkle behind his glasses. “And what conclusion did you come to after almost two months of thinking?” 

Yuta can feel the blush rush to his cheeks, but it was now or never. “You aren’t a bad person Jaehyun, at least not to me.” He says, remembering what Jaeyhun said the night they had sex. 

Jaehyun’s eyes soften. “I know.” He says, but given the tone of his voice, Yuta’s not sure he believes him. 

“I don’t think you do Jaehyun.” Yuta squeezes their hands together once, hoping that makes Jaehyun feel better. 

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything but he squeezes back. Yuta chews on his lower lip for a moment, needing a second before he continues. Jaehyun starts rubbing his thumbs on the back of Yuta’s hand. 

“You always take care of me.” Yuta says in the softest whisper. “You make me feel seen, like I’m someone important.” 

Jaehyun continues to rub circles on Yuta’s hand. “You are important.” 

Yuta’s heart skips a beat. He’s perfect. Yuta thinks to himself. He was a fool not to see it earlier. They could have had years together already if Yuta wasn’t so blind. 

“I know it’ll be hard. And I’m not sure if I’ll try with the lawsuit later on or not.” He starts. “But I want to be with you.” 

Jaehyun grins, his eyes shining even more. “Yeah?” 

Yuta bites the inside of his cheek. “Yeah. You’re always looking out for me, doing little things that I probably don’t even notice. We have so much fun together. Not to mention you’re gorgeous and the sex was great.” 

He earns a laugh from Jaehyun. “I haven’t felt this way about someone for years. Being with you makes me happy, and I think we both deserve to be happy.” He continues. 

Yuta pulls himself up onto Jaehyun’s bed. It’s an awkward position, but he places two hands onto his cheeks and pulls him in for a kiss. It’s the opposite of their first kiss which was filled with desire, this one is sweet, lasting only a couple seconds before Yuta pulls away. 

Their foreheads touch. Yuta still has his eyes closed. “So I want you to ask me.” 

“Okay.” Jaehyun whispers. “Yuta, will you go on a date with me?” 

Yuta kisses him again. Harder this time, Jaehyun tastes like mint toothpaste. “Yeah, I will.”

**Author's Note:**

> That's all for now. Again, I really appreciate reading all your comments and can't wait to hear what you all have to say!
> 
> Inspiration For Title: safety net by Ariana Grande ft. Ty Dolla $ign


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